Is it possible for two people in a relationship to be bad for each other? Does it happen that two people’s energy just does not mix? How to know the difference between the thorns of a healthy relationship and an unhealthy relationship?
I have never come across a single individual who is bad, but I have come across couples – thousands and thousands of couples – who are bad. In fact I have never come across a couple who is not bad. Persons are beautiful and couples are ugly. Something goes wrong somewhere. It should not be so but it is so.
The way love has been understood has been wrong. What you call love is not love; it is something else. Sometimes you are alone and you cannot tolerate your loneliness, and just to fill the gap, the inner hole, you find somebody. It is not love. And of course things are going to be bad. From the very beginning the very basis is wrong.
Love is a sharing of two individuals. And I call a person individual when he is happy with his aloneness. Otherwise he is not an individual, if he cannot be happy alone. Just think. If you cannot be happy alone, how can you be happy together? Two persons are unhappy separately, and you think there is going to be a miracle? – two unhappy persons together and suddenly happiness arises? Unhappiness is doubled – not only doubled, multiplied.
Out of your unhappiness you seek the other; then the relationship is going to be wrong. Seek the other out of happiness, and then the relationship will never be wrong. Seek out of happiness.
First meditate, first feel your own being, first pray. First grow into love; otherwise what are you going to do when you have found the lover? Then you don’t know what to do.
His friend was a shy one, but after being told that if he went to the dance all he would have to do would be stand in the corner, he went. The friend shoved him immediately into the arms of a pretty girl on the dance floor.
For an hour or so he lost track of his shy friend, but then spotted him standing happily next to the girl he had been shoved upon. What is more, he had his arm around her waist and she was looking up at him with adoring eyes.
“We are engaged,” the shy one told his friend.
“Good heavens!” said the friend. “How did that happen?”
“Well,” said the shy one, “I danced with her six times and I just could not think of anything else to ask her.”
Your love affairs are so stupid. And then you are waiting for something great to happen out of them. In the first place you don’t have any love in your heart. That’s why everybody wants to be loved. You want to be loved; your woman also wants to be loved.
Naturally there is conflict: both are ready to take and nobody is ready to give. And how to give? You don’t have it in the first place. Only a loving person – one who is already loving – can find the right partner.
This is my observation. If you are unhappy you will find somebody who is unhappy. Unhappy people are attracted toward unhappy people. And it is good, it is natural. It is good that the unhappy people are not attracted towards happy people, otherwise they will destroy their happiness. It is perfectly okay. Only happy people are attracted towards happy people. The same attracts the same.
Intelligent people are attracted towards intelligent people, stupid people are attracted towards stupid people.
You can watch it. In Pune there are thousands of people, but only a few people will be attracted toward me – only those who are really concerned with knowing who they are. Others won’t be attracted. Even my neighbors, just the next-door neighbors. They have not come to listen. In fact they are very worried.
I lived in one town for ten years, and a person used to live just over my head, but he never came to see me. Thousands of people would come and go, but he never came. He was simply puzzled as to why people came to me.
Then he was transferred – he was a principal in a college – he was transferred to another town. I visited the other town. I was invited to his college to speak to the students; then he heard me for the first time. He had to because he was the principal. Then he became more puzzled. He said, “For ten years I lived just on top of you, and I missed, I never came. And I never knew that you had something to share, that you had something to give to us.” He started crying.
I said, “Don’t be worried. Just tell me, during these two years you have not been in that town, what has happened?”
He said, “My wife died and I became very miserable. Then I started meditating, thinking maybe it will help. Then something really started happening in me and I started feeling very happy. I was worried I would not be able to be alone without my wife, but now I am so happy that I don’t want to get entangled with anybody.”
I told him, “Maybe that’s why you could understand me. The meditation that you tried, the happiness that you are feeling – then there is a possibility to have contact with me. Before you were on a different plane.”
You meet people of the same plane. So the first thing to remember is: a relationship is bound to be bitter if it has grown out of unhappiness. First be happy, be joyful, be celebrating, and then you will find some other soul celebrating and there will be a meeting of two dancing souls and a great dance will arise out of it.
Don’t ask for a relationship out of loneliness, no. Then you are moving in a wrong direction, then the other will be used as a means and the other will use you as a means. And nobody wants to be used as a means. Every single individual is an end unto himself. It is immoral to use anybody as a means. First learn how to be alone. Meditation is a way of being alone.
And if you can be happy when you are alone, you have learned the secret of being happy. Now you can be happy together. If you are happy, then you have something to share, to give. And when you give you get; it is not the other way. Then a need arises to love somebody. Ordinarily the need is to be loved by somebody. It is a wrong need. It is a childish need; you are not mature. It is a child’s attitude.
A child is born. Of course, the child cannot love the mother; he does not know what love is and he does not know who the mother is and who the father is. He is totally helpless. His being has still to be integrated; he is not one piece, he is not together yet. He is just a possibility. The mother has to love, the father has to love, the family has to shower love on the child. Now he learns one thing: that everybody has to love him. And he never learns that he has to love.
Now the child will grow, and if he remains stuck with this attitude that everybody has to love him, he will suffer his whole life. His body has grown, but his mind has remained immature.
A mature person is one who comes to know the other need: that now I have to love somebody. The need to be loved is childish, immature. The need to love is mature. And when you are ready to love somebody, a beautiful relationship will arise; otherwise not.
“Is it possible for two people in a relationship to be bad for each other?” Yes, that’s what is happening all over the world. To be good is very difficult. You are not good even to yourself. How can you be good to somebody else? You don’t even love yourself – how can you love somebody else? Love yourself, be good to yourself.
And your so-called religious saints have been teaching you never to love yourself, never to be good to yourself – be hard on yourself! They have been teaching you to be soft toward others and hard toward yourself. This is absurd.
I teach you the first and foremost thing is to be loving toward yourself. Don’t be hard, be soft. Care about yourself. Learn how to forgive yourself again and again and again – seven times, seventy-seven times, seven hundred and seventy-seven times.
Learn how to forgive yourself. Don’t be hard, don’t be antagonistic toward yourself. Then you will flower.
And in that flowering you will attract some other flower. It is natural. Stones attract stones, flowers attract flowers. And then there is a relationship which has grace, which has beauty, which has a benediction in it. And if you can find such a relationship, your relationship will grow into prayerfulness, your love will become an ecstasy, and through love you will know what God is.